One expects to be happy once they have what they wanted and asked for. I expected that. This is what I told myself I wanted. And yet the thoughts and ways of dealing are pressing forward. From the depths of a mind that I at times thought I missed. I didn't miss these thoughts.. I look at this happy little life I made for myself two months after my birthday and now as I live in the same life with a few added trajedies it just feels like shit. I am not happy with all I have because it feels like its cracking. I have a boyfriend that loves me.. yet I am scared.. Scared of this memory he has in the back of his head that surfaced..scared of the thoughts and dealings.. and how he deals. A friend that deep down wishes she could be with me tries lil tricks to get the things she missed out on or are out of reach to reach to her.. to notice her. My view of next year has been totally altered due to another friend and how she choosed to live her life. Parents that are everything I was hoping didn't bother me anymore.. a mother slowly wasting away and a father that was so F-ed up earlier in life so now my way of handling is the same way an abused child would deal with trama or trajedy even though he was the abused one. I am just a product of abuse. The parents I have and the family I have. I am just a product of their trama. My mind is playing like a badly sequenced movie. And I am confused like never before. One thing I have thats interesting to say is that I always said no one would ever understand how I feel... and you know what I think my best friend does. Steve.. as much as I hate to say it.. I think you have the same problems as I do.. Same thoughts same problems.. and all I can give you as a hopeful is that I know what it feels like to feel like everyone is going to leave..I still feel it now. But I Swear it to you and you know the quality of my promises I am not going anywhere. I am totally here for you. I may not be much of anything to help you... God... why have I been blessed with the use of a fucked up head.. No one could come close to knowing the pain, the evil, the degree of horrible bleeding shame, hurt, disgust I have for what I am.